Sage advice

Colin Jackson Jokes

ANDREA and her husband found out that their dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was ear wax and hair clogging the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month. Andrea went to the store and bought some of the recommended hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her: “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.” Andrea replied: “I’m not using it under my arms.” The pharmacist then added: “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t use body lotion for a couple of days.” Andrea replied: “I’m not using it on my legs either. “If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.” The pharmacist was matter-of-fact: “Well then, stay off your bicycle for about a week.”    

Small calibre against a fierce opponent

Colin Jackson Jokes

THIS IS a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. It poses the question: What’s the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? This is her story in her own words: “While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon-to-be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12ft alligator that suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. “She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. “If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!,” she notes. “Just one shot to my estranged husband’s knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. “The amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible. “His life insurance was a big bonus!”

Life is complete with coincidences

Colin Jackson Jokes

A FARMER walked into a local bar, sat down and said to anyone who would listen: “This is a special day; I’m celebrating.” “What a coincidence,” said a woman sitting adjacent to him. “I’m celebrating too.” They clinked glasses. “What are you celebrating? I’m a chicken farmer, and for many years all my hens have been infertile — but today they’ve finally become fertile.” “What a coincidence,” said the woman. “My husband and I have been trying to have a child. “Today my gynaecologist told me I’m pregnant.” Turning to the farmer, she asked: “And how did your chickens become fertile?” “I switched cocks,” he replied. “What a coincidence,” she said.

Femme Fatale

Colin Jackson Jokes

ALL MEMBERS of the company’s Board of Directors were called into the Chairman’s office — one after another — until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside. Finally, it was his turn to be summoned. Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other four Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table. Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table — which he did. The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked: “Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Floyd?” “Oh, no, sir, positively not…!” Ted replied. “Are you absolutely sure…?” asked the chairman. “Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her…!” “You’d swear to that…?” “Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Miss Floyd, anytime, anywhere,” insisted Ted. “Then we want you to fire her,” said the Chairman.

Your friendly overseas call centre

Colin Jackson Jokes

MULIBAR applied for a job in India, and attended an interview. The Personnel Manager said: “Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you will not qualify for this job.” Mujibar said: “I am ready.” The manager said: “Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.” Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said: “Mister manager, I am ready.” The manager said: “Go ahead.” Mujibar said: “The telephone goes green, green; and I pink it up; and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.” Mujibar now works at an overseas call center. No doubt you have spoken to him — I was only talking to him yesterday.

Johnny’s future rhymes with education

Colin Jackson Jokes

A teacher asked her class: “What is sex?” Little Johnnie stood-up and said: Sex is a temptation, Caused by a sensation Where a boy sticks his location Into a girl’s destination To increase the population Of the next generation. Did you get my explanation? Or do you need a demonstration? The teacher fainted!    

A thirst for ancestry

Colin Jackson Jokes

TWO old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day. Sid asks Abe: “Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico?” Abe replies: “I don’t know, let’s ask our waiter.” When the waiter comes to their table, Abe asks: “Are there any Mexican Jews?” The waiter says: “I don’t know senor, I ask the cooks.” He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says: “No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews.” Abe isn’t satisfied and asks, “Are you absolutely sure?” The waiter, realising he is dealing with a couple of ‘gringos’, replies: “I check once again, senor,” and returns to the kitchen. While the waiter is away, Sid says: “I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.” The waiter returns and says: “Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews.” “Are you certain?” Abe asks again. “I just can’t believe there are no Mexican Jews!” “Senor, I ask EVERYONE,” replies the exasperated waiter. “All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews — but …

Apartment For Rent

Colin Jackson Jokes

A BUSINESSMAN met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment ‘Rent For Apartment’. On the way to the office, he regretted that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note: Dear Madam: Enclosed please find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that: It had never been occupied; There was plenty of heat and water; and It was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that: It had been previously occupied; There wasn’t any heat and certainly no water; and It was much too large for my comfort. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful …

People’s Liberation Army won’t take jerks

Colin Jackson Jokes

THE CHINESE Military is fretting about the growing number of would-be recruits failing its stringent fitness test, but says it has the answer: avoid masturbation and computer games. The People’s Liberation Army says 20 per cent of recruits are overweight, and eight per cent were refused entry because they had an enlarged testicular vein caused by too much masturbation, too many video games and not enough exercise. Others had liver problems associated with alcohol.

Sudden death on the highway of life

Colin Jackson Jokes

A POLICE OFFICE pulls over a speeding car. The officer says: “I clocked you at 125km per hour, sir.” The driver replied: “Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 100; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.” Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now, don’t be silly, dear — you know this car doesn’t have cruise control.” As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can you please keep your mouth shut for once!” The wife smiles demurely and says: “Well dear, you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did, or your speed would have been higher.” As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth: “Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?” The officer frowns and says: “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.” The driver says: “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.” The wife says: “Now, dear, you know very well that you …

Parable to ponder for the politically correct

Colin Jackson Jokes

AN OLD MAN, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey, and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked: “What a shame, the old man is walking, the boy is riding.” The man and boy thought that maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people who remarked: “What a shame — he makes that little boy walk.” So they decided they’d both walk. Soon they passed some more people who remarked: “They’re really stupid to walk when they have a decent donkey to ride.” So they both decided to ride the donkey. They passed some more people who shamed them by saying: “How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.” The boy and the man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey, the donkey fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye.  

It just ain’t rocket science (supposed to be a true story)

Colin Jackson Jokes

SCIENTISTS at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard four-pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle — all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood in shock and awe. As the chicken hurled from the barrel, it crashed through the shatter-proof shield, smashing it to smithereens; then blasted through the control console; snapped the engineer’s back-rest in two; finally embedding itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield — begging the US scientists for suggestions and perhaps a solution. NASA responded with a one-line memo: “Defrost the chicken first!” • Snopes offers its version:  http://www.snopes.com/science/cannon.asp

Dorothy Dix website: Installing a Husband

Colin Jackson Jokes

Dear Tech Support, Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5… and then installed undesirable programs such as Cricket 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.1… Also, Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, DESPERATE. Dear Desperate, First, keep in mind… Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.1.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember — overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1… PLEASE NOTE that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Trojan. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program …

Love is a many-splendored thing

Colin Jackson Jokes

A GROUP OF WOMEN were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked: “How many of you love your husband?” All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked: “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?” Some women answered “today,” a few “yesterday,” and some couldn’t remember. The women were then told to take-out their cell phones and text their husband: “I love you, Sweetheart!” A short time later, the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message. Below are 11 replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you will understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way? 1—Who the hell is this? 2—Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what? 3—Yeah, and I love you too. What’s wrong? 4—What now? Did you wreck the car again? 5—I don’t understand what you mean? 6—What the hell did you do now? 7—Don’t beat around the bush; just tell me how much you need? 8—Am I dreaming? 9—If you …

Important decision for The Donald

Colin Jackson Jokes

HILLARY phoned the White House oval office shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the President — it’s an emergency!” she exclaimed. After some cajoling, the President’s assistant agreed to wake him up. “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?” grumbled Trump. “A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take his place,” begged Hillary. “Well, it’s okay with me if it’s okay with the mortuary,” replied The Trumpster.

Bewildering pensioners’ holiday

Colin Jackson Jokes

A TRAVEL AGENT looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering through his shop window at the posters depicting the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week, and the dejected couple looking through the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop: “I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a great holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense — and I won’t take ‘no’ for an answer.” He took them inside and asked his assistant to arrange two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off! About a month later the little old lady came in to the agency. “And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly. “The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said. “I’ve come to thank you, but one thing puzzles me… “Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?”

Why South Australia is the ‘mendicant’ state

Colin Jackson Bush Chat, Current News, Jokes

DURING THE RECENT rare terrible floods on the South Australian flood plains, many of the lower highway signs were covered with water. The following spring, local Councils decided to raise all the signs 12 inches at a cost of six million dollars. “That’s an outrageous price,” said a local farmer, who then countered with: “But I guess we’re lucky the councils handled it instead of the state government.” “Why’s that?” he was asked. “Because, knowing the Weatherill government, they would have spent 10 billion lowering the highways!”

Not too far into the future

Colin Jackson Jokes

Hello — Gordon’s pizza? No sir, it’s Google Pizza. So, it’s a wrong number? No sir, Google bought it. Okay, take my order please. Well sir, you want the usual? The usual? Do you know me? According to caller ID, the last 12 times you have ordered pizza with cheese, sausage, thick crust. Okay! That’s it. May I now recommend ricotta, arugula with sun dried tomato? No, I hate vegetables. But your cholesterol is 7.4. How do you know? Through the subscriber’s guide; we have your blood tests for the last seven years. Okay, but I don’t want this pizza — I already take medicine. You haven’t taken the medicine regularly; four months ago, you only purchased 30 tablets at Drugs Online. I bought more from another pharmacy. It’s not showing on your credit card. I paid in cash. But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement. I have another source of cash. This is not showing on your last tax form, unless you got it from undeclared income source. Bloody hell! Stuff Google, Facebook, Twitter, and WhatsApp; I’m off to an island without the internet. I understand sir, but you need to renew your …

Cyclone savvy

Colin Jackson Jokes

UNLESS you have been through a cyclone, it’s really hard to understand what it can be like. I remember when Cyclone Larry hit. I had been through many cyclones before, but my wife had not. She didn’t know what to expect. When the wind started and trees started to bend and break, I noticed her staring through the glass doors. That look of fear on her face will always stay with me. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. The winds worsened and the rain intensified. She stared through the doors for hours, until the eye came over and all went calm. When the wind stopped, I was able to unlock the door and let her in.

Short and sharp jokes for the raconteur

Colin Jackson Jokes

  IT APPEARS that the reason Boris Johnson, the ex-Mayor of London, was appointed Foreign Secretary was due to a misunderstanding. Apparently an aide sent Teresa May a list of people who would support her if given a position. Boris Johnson’s name was on the list — to which Teresa May wrote “F/Off” beside his name. The aide thought it meant Foreign Office, and released it to the press before the mistake was noticed.   AN ELDERLY couple was sitting at home watching television. Bob had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. Linda became more and more annoyed and finally said: “For f@@@’s sake, Bob, leave it on the porn channel… “You know how to fish!”   AFTER SOME conversation and drinks, a confident young fella invited his new female friend to his apartment. He couldn’t ask her directly if she was going to stay over, so he threw a question at her: “How would you like your eggs in the morning?” The smart young lady replied: “Unfertilised!”   A WOMAN went to the bank to arrange for a loan. “I’m sorry, ma’am,” the teller said, “but the 
loan arranger is out to lunch.” …

The Pub Challenge

Colin Jackson Jokes

AT A LOCAL BAR in an outback town, the owner/bartender was so sure that he was the strongest man around, that he offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it would win the money. Many people tried, over the years: weightlifters, longshoremen, football players, etc, but nobody had ever been able to do it. One day, a scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. He sat down, ordered a glass of draft, and started looking around the bar. After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a meek voice: “I was just reading your sign — and I’d like to try the bet.” After the laughter in the pub had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it — then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. The crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon — …

Like, why would you bother?

Colin Jackson Jokes

LAST YEAR, I replaced, like, all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient ones, the blonde was telling some friends. Today, I, like, got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago, and I still hadn’t, like, paid for them. OMG! Hellloooo — just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I’m, like, automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year — that these windows would, like, pay for themselves in a year. Helllooooo? It’s been a year, so they’re, like, paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

Farmers make good weather forecasters

Colin Jackson Jokes

ONCE UPON A TIME there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.  On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said: “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because, in just a short time, I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area.” The king was polite and considerate, and replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.” So the king and queen continued on their way. However, a short time later a torrential storm fell from the sky.  The king and queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order …

Sister Mary Ann’s Miracle

Colin Jackson Jokes

SISTER MARY ANN, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting home-bound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said: “If it starts, I’m turning Catholic!”

They’re off and running in the UK

Colin Jackson Jokes

IN THE UK, some supermarkets admitted that there is horse meat in their Homebrand burgers. Even places like Burger King have had to admit that there are “small amounts” of horse meat in their burgers. Tesco is a big supermarket chain in the UK. Within hours of the news that Tesco’s ‘all beef hamburgers’ contained 30 per cent horse meat, these quips hit the internet: “I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse — I guess Tesco just listened! Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh? Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle. Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my burger.
So I had £5 each way. Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night — I still have a bit between my teeth. A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco.
Her condition is said to be stable. Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn. “I’ve just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer — AND THEY’RE OFF!” Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers. Said to the missus: “These Tesco burgers give me the trots. …

Bush Etiquette — maintaining the standard

Colin Jackson Jokes

AUSSIE BUSH Etiquette is recognised throughout the civilized world. But we all need to be reminded from time to time so as not to drop our standards. In General: Never take an open stubby to a job interview; Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them; It’s tacky to take an esky to church; Even if you are certain you’re included in the will, it’s rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral. Eating Out: When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine; If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand. Entertaining At Home: A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist; Don’t allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners. Personal Hygiene: While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one’s own ute keys; Even if you live alone, deodorant isn’t a waste of money; Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days; Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no — it alters the taste of finger foods …

Buttock tattoo terror lands Rotherham pair in hospital

Colin Jackson Jokes

South Yorkshire, UK, November 7, 2016 A FURIOUS ROW has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client, after what started out as a routine inking session left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment. Furious film fan and part-time plus-size model, Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns related the story to the local newspaper: “It was a big job in more ways than one,” he told. “I’d just lit a roll-up and was finishing off a centurion’s helmet — it’s delicate, close-up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound — more of a whoosh than a rasp — and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her anus to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.” Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her …

Children relate their Christmas vision

Colin Jackson Jokes

The teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: “What do you do at Christmas time?” Patrick addressed the class: “Well Miss Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.” “Very nice Patrick,” she said. “Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?” “Well, Miss Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.” Realising there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked: “Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?” Isaac said: “Well, it’s the same thing every year — Dad comes home from the office, we all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to dad’s toy factory. When we …

The Old Drover

Colin Jackson Jokes

AN OLD DROVER walks into a barbershop in Blackstump Crossing, NT, for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread-out the skin. When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in yonks, though he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied: “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.”

Crossed messaging

Colin Jackson Jokes

TWO NUNS were ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about the instructions, the two nuns decide to lock the
 door of
 the room, strip-off their habits, and paint naked. In the middle of the project, there’s a knock at the door. “Who is it?” calls one of the nuns. “Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the
 door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding
 that no harm
 can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open
 the door: “Nice boobs,” says the man; “where do you want the blinds?”

Trump juggernaut creates conundrum for Canada

Colin Jackson Jokes

THE FLOOD of Trump-fearing American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week. The Republican presidential campaign is prompting an exodus among left-leaning Americans who fear they’ll soon be required to hunt, pray, pay taxes and live according to the Constitution. Canadian border residents say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, liberal arts majors, global warming activists, and ‘green’ energy proponents crossing their fields at night. “I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said southern Manitoba farmer, Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. “He was cold, exhausted and hungry, and begged me for a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn’t have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?” In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just stuck their fingers in their ears and kept coming. Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals just south of the border, pack them into electric cars, …

POTUS-elect again trumped by the wishy-washy

Colin Jackson Jokes

OF COURSE, you heard about Donald Trump inviting the Pope for lunch on
 his mega yacht? Well, the Pope accepted, and during lunch a puff of wind blew the Pontiff’s hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down, and it just
 floated in place. The crew and the security team were scrambling to launch a boat to retrieve 
it, when Trump waved them off, saying: “Neva mind, boys, al git it.”” The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to 
the hat, picked it up,

 walked back across the water, climbed onto the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat. The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope’s entourage 
were speechless.

 No-one knew what to say, not even the Pope. But that afternoon, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN all knew how to cover 
the story. Their banner headlines read: “TRUMP CAN’T SWIM!”

Eat responsibly in lead-up to an operation (a cautionary tale)

Colin Jackson Jokes

A PATIENT who passed gas during an operation was badly burned when the fart ignited a laser being used in the surgery, a hospital report states. The unnamed woman, aged in her 30s, was undergoing surgery at Tokyo Medical University Hospital that involved a laser being applied to her cervix. As the surgery was being carried out in the Shinjuku Ward, she passed wind — sparking the fire, Japanese newspaper The Asahi Shimbun reports. She was left screaming in agony after the fire burnt most of her body, waist and legs, according to a report by external experts into the incident, which was released on October 28. The committee stated in the report that no flammable materials were in the operation room during the surgery and that equipment was functioning normally. “When the patient’s intestinal gas leaked into the space of the operation (room), it ignited with the irradiation of the laser, and the burning spread, eventually reaching the surgical drape and causing the fire,” the report stated. The accident happened on April 15 this year, but was only published in a recent hospital report. Tokyo Medical University Hospital is an acute care facility that claims to be the only …

US presidential election cites need for Eleventh Commandment

Colin Jackson Jokes

DURING a recent meeting in Heaven, God, Moses and Saint Peter concluded that the behaviour of former President Clinton had brought about the urgent need for an Eleventh Commandment, particularly since there is a chance that Bill would get into the White House again if Hilary wins. They toiled long and hard in a brain-storming session, trying to settle on the wording of the new Commandment, because they realised that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. They persevered and, after many revisions, finally agreed that the Eleventh Commandment should read: ”Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff.”

Valid reason for a second opinion

Colin Jackson Jokes

EVER SINCE he was a child, there was this bloke who always had a fear of someone being under his bed at night. He went to a shrink: “I’ve got problems,” he said. “Every time I go to bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared and I think I’m going crazy.” The shrink replied: “Just put yourself in my hands for one year. Come in and talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.” “How much do you charge?” asked the prospective client. “One hundred and eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor. “I’ll sleep on it,” came the reply. Six months later, the doctor and the prospective client met me on the street. “Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?” the shrink asked. ”Well, one hundred and eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $28,080: “A barman cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new ute.” “Is that so?” replied the shrink with more than a hint of attitude. “And how, may …

A wink and a nod

Colin Jackson Jokes

A MAN with a winking problem applied for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looked over his papers and said: “This is phenomenal, you’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. “However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry — we can’t hire you.” “But wait,” the man said — “If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!” “Really? Great! Show me now!” The applicant reached into his jacket pocket and began pulling-out all sorts of condoms; red, blue, ribbed and flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he found a packet of aspirin. He ripped it open, swallowed the pills, and ceased winking. “Well,” said the interviewer, “that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country.” “Womanising? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man.” “Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?” asked the interviewer. “Oh, that,” he sighed. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and …

Time to reflect

Colin Jackson Jokes

DURING A RECENT Sunday morning service, the pastor noticed little Alex staring-up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small Australian flags were mounted on either side of it. The nine-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside him and said quietly: “Good morning, Alex.” “
Good morning, Pastor,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor McGhee, what is this?” Alex asked. “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the men and women who have died in the service.” Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex’s voice was barely audible when he finally managed to ask: “Which one, the 9 o’clock or 10:30 service?”

Commentator mis-speak of Olympic proportions

Colin Jackson Jokes

NOW THAT the Olympics are over for the next four years, following are the nominated top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics — ones they would like to take back: Weightlifting commentator: “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm-up and it was amazing.” Dressage commentator: “This is really a lovely horse, and I speak from personal experience, since I once mounted her mother.” Paul Hamm, Gymnast: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” Boxing Analyst: “Sure, there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.” Softball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.” Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot, and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact, you can see it all over their faces.” At the rowing medal ceremony: “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.” Soccer commentator: “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.” Tennis commentator: “One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the …

Deflated retirement

Colin Jackson Jokes

AFTER RETIRING from a long working life, George went to the social security office to apply for 
social security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his 
driver’s licence to verify his age. He searched through his pockets and
 realised he had left his wallet at home. George apologised, saying it appeared he had left his 
wallet at home: “I will have to go home and come back later.
” The unusually helpful officer replied: “Unbutton your shirt.
” He did what he was asked, revealing a chest of curly silver hair. She continued: “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and 
processed the Social Security application. When he got home, the man excitedly told his wife about his experience at the
 social security office. She replied with more than a note of sarcasm: “You should have dropped your pants — you might have
 gotten disability too.”

When cattlemen are cow pats apart

Colin Jackson Jokes

An Australian and a Texan were at a bull sale. The Aussie cattleman had barely given a firm handshake when the Texan rancher in the big hat started his running commentary. “Mah cows drop a perfect calf each and every year,” the Texan said. The Aussie slowly waved his solid hard hands slowly across his face to shoo a fly that may or may not be there. The Texan continued: “Mah bulls have so much vigour, I’ve gotta tell them to slow down.” The Aussie tilted his battered Akubra just slightly as his eyes narrowed against the gleam of the Texan’s big mouth of perfect teeth. “And mah ranch is so big it takes me a week to ride the boundaries on mah horse.” The Aussie stared into the distance and his weathered lips barely moved as he spoke. “Yeah, I once had a horse that slow.” (Anyone want to contribute an updated version, this time with a Chinese cattle property buyer?)

Financial Planning as demonstrated by an Irishman in the Outback

Colin Jackson Jokes

Paddy bought a camel from a farmer for $100; the farmer agreed to deliver the camel the next day. The following morning, the farmer arrived without the camel. “Sorry son, but I have some bad news — the camel’s dead.” Paddy replied: “Well, just give me my money back, then.” The farmer said: “Can’t do that; I’ve already spent it.” Paddy came back: “Okay then, just bring me the dead camel.” “What are you going to do with it?” queried the farmer. Paddy: “I’m going to raffle it.” “You can’t raffle a dead camel,” exclaimed the farmer. Paddy said: “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.” A month later, the farmer met-up with Paddy and asked: “What happened with that dead camel?” “I raffled him,” said Paddy. “I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898.” The farmer asked: “Didn’t anyone complain?” Paddy replied with a grin: “Just the guy who won — so I gave him his $2 back.” Paddy now works for the Commonwealth Bank, but has just received an offer of employment by two blokes named Turnbull and Morrison who have offered him a job as a financial planner …

Prayer can open doors

Colin Jackson Jokes

A WOMAN hurried into a pharmacy to get some medication. When she got back to her car, she found that she had locked the keys inside. On the ground near her was a rusty old coat hanger. She looked at it and mumbled to herself: “I don’t know how to use this.” In despair she bowed her head and prayed to God to send her some help. Within five minutes a battered old motorcycle pulled-up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his cycle and asked if he could help. She said: “Yes, my daughter is sick; I’ve locked my keys in my car; I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?” He said, “sure,” then walked over to the car, and in less than a minute, the car door was open. The lady hugged the man and through tears said: “Thank you, God, for sending me such a very nice man.” The man heard her little prayer and replied: “Lady, I am NOT a nice man; I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in there for car theft.” The woman hugged the man again, sobbing: “Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a professional!”

Justice must be seen to be done

Colin Jackson Jokes

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members of the congregation did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain a silence. Mildred made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pick-up parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pick-up in front of Mildred’s house — then walked home and left it there all night.

Kindly soul

Colin Jackson Jokes

A father told his three sons when he sent them to the university: “I feel it’s my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. “However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.” Time passed. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father’s time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish. First, it was the doctor who put ten $100 notes onto the chest of the deceased. Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 into the casket. Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer’s turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his cheque book, wrote a cheque for $3,000, put it into his father’s coffin — then took the $2,000 cash

. He later went on to become a Member of Parliament.

Bible interpretation

Colin Jackson Jokes

For those who aren’t abreast of news from the United States, Washington State recently passed two laws — the legalisation of gay marriage and the use of marijuana. The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalised on the same day makes perfect Biblical sense. Leviticus 20:13 says: “If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.” Apparently, till now, it simply hadn’t been interpreted correctly!

Latest from Apple

Colin Jackson Jokes

Apple has announced the development of a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will range in price from $99 to $699, depending on the cup size and speaker fidelity. The world-renowned company considers this to be a major social breakthrough, mainly because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Bank fault

Colin Jackson Jokes

A bloke was whinging recently about the amount of money that is kept in ATMs, arguing that there is never enough. “I’m getting really irritated,” he said. “This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had ‘insufficient funds’,” he complained.

Time to leave

Colin Jackson Jokes

A Polish couple presented their shopping to a bored check-out chick in a Sainsbury’s Store in Manchester (UK) not long after the Brexit vote. As they unloaded their purchases, the lass began picking-up the groceries, and asked: “Can I pack your bags for you?” Replied the couple: “Hang on, we only voted last week.”

Supermarket beef is better

Colin Jackson Jokes

A San Francisco newspaper featured the following advertisement aimed at people who hunt for food: “To all you hunters who kill animals for food, shame on you. You ought to go to the store and buy the meat that was made there — where no animals were harmed.” It should be noted there are people like this who live in large cities and drive cars, are allowed to vote and undoubtedly reproduce!