IT APPEARS that the reason Boris Johnson, the ex-Mayor of London, was appointed Foreign Secretary was due to a misunderstanding. Apparently an aide sent Teresa May a list of people who would support her if given a position. Boris Johnson’s name was on the list — to which Teresa May wrote “F/Off” beside his name. The aide thought it meant Foreign Office, and released it to the press before the mistake was noticed.
AN ELDERLY couple was sitting at home watching television.
Bob had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. Linda became more and more annoyed and finally said: “For f@@@’s sake, Bob, leave it on the porn channel…
“You know how to fish!”
AFTER SOME conversation and drinks, a confident young fella invited his new female friend to his apartment.
He couldn’t ask her directly if she was going to stay over, so he threw a question at her:
“How would you like your eggs in the morning?”
The smart young lady replied: “Unfertilised!”
A WOMAN went to the bank to arrange for a loan.
“I’m sorry, ma’am,” the teller said, “but the loan arranger is out to lunch.”
“That’s okay,” replied the woman; “can I speak to Tonto then?”
A MAN was driving on the highway when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth time with the same result.
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail’s pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
Now this is karma!
AITMAN JONES was assigned to the Induction Centre, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.
Now,” he concluded, “which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?”